Medical News: With festival season round the corner, top epidemiologists at the World Health Organisation are warning of a potentially fatal new strain of Hipster Flu spreading across metropolitan areas this summer.
The X1Y2 strain, first detected in a branch of Starbucks in New York, is a particularly tenacious variant.
“It begins with a simple cold,” explains Doctor Ernest Huxtable of the World Health Organization.
“Then sore throat, runny nose, unusual beard growth – but as the body tries to attack the virus, symptoms become more severe and can lead to jerky leg spasms and a sudden and unrepentant aloofness that stems from superpsychosis – the idea that the sufferer somehow gets something no-one else does.”
“Isolated spikes in iPad and single-speed bicycle sales are an early warning sign that you might be walking into a breeding ground for Hipster Flu. Look around at what sort of hats people are wearing and, crucially, at what angle.”
“Always cover your mouth if you see a carrier, and avoid eye contact”
As well as the international campaign to raise awareness, last month saw the start of a new charity that aims to provide palliative care. Director of the ‘Hope For Hipsters’ scheme, Wendy Craig, told The Poke how important it was to give as much support as possible to the most vulnerable of sufferers:
“Just this morning I saw a man in the final, most punishing moments of the disease. He was delirious, shaking from side to side and stuttering wildly. It was heartbreaking to see someone so young in such agony. I gave him what comfort I could, and asked if there was anything I could do to make his last hours special. He asked only to meet the lead singer of his favourite band before he died – then spat at me because I’d never heard of them.”