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Cucumber News: Spain has expressed anger at links being made between cucumbers from the Malaga region and a deadly E. coli outbreak. But are the Spanish really out to kill every single person in Germany with this innocuous looking vegetable? We asked our science corespondent to examine the facts behind this green menace.


“It’s clear to me that the Spanish won’t be happy until every single person in Germany is dead,” said one Berlin greengrocer, who also pointed out the error in the first paragraph of this article, as technically cucumbers, like tomatoes, are classified as fruit.

According to Spain’s secretary of state for Europe, Diego López Garrido, “The origin of this illness cannot be attributed to Spain. There is no proof of it and we certainly don’t have a sinister back-up plan that involves launching some out-of-date chorizo from a cannon, across France and into the mouths of sausage-loving Germans.”

Though the exact origins of the current outbreak of E.Coli remain a mystery, it is beyond doubt that something fearful is taking place. Fruit and vegetables have long been repositories for all that is hateful in society, and experts agree that there is no more natural background for organised genocide than the easy commerce of the local market.

What would prompt the Spaniards to such a vengeful act? It was probably to do with the Eurovision Song Contest, or fishing quotas or something. You know how hysterical these foreigners get.

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