Celebrity News: X-Factor studio bosses told the Geordie princess today ‘you’re going to need subtitling’ after thousands of jocks, hillbillys, soccer moms and surfer dudes rang in to complain that they ‘didn’t have a goddamn clue’ what she was saying.
The tiny Tyneside temptress, who is trying to break in to America as part of Simon ‘celebrity Fagin’ Cowell’s artful TV gang, has already suffered a blow when commentators slammed her new US-friendly hair-do as ‘like Chewbacca’s’.
But while you can deflate a bouffant, you can’t remodel your vocal chords, and despite secret sessions with Cowell’s well-known vocoder, the high-waisted svengali admits, ‘if they need subtitles, then that’s what they’ll get’ – even if that means alienating the millions of Americans who can’t read.
However, even that won’t be much help to the live studio audience who instead of whooping and crying when Cheryl delivers her X-Factor verdicts, have been looking at each other, shrugging, and screwing up their faces like they’ve just smelt rotting flesh.
Instead, they will be issued with this easy-reference translation card. So, if you want to know how to turn a ‘why-aye’ into a ‘yee-ha!’, then look below:
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