Irish Royal Visit: The IRA have announced plans to present Prince Philip with an award today, in recognition of his ‘outstanding contribution’ to damage inflicted on the British state ‘over 50 years and counting’.
“No man has done more,” said a masked spokesman today in Kildare where Prince Philip and the Queen will be making a visit, “or more continuously harmed the reputation and standing of the monarchy than Prince Philip, furthering the Republican cause both here and abroad.”
“After years of armed struggle, our movement has come to believe that dialogue is ultimately more powerful than the gun.”
“No one bears this out with more potency than your man Philip.”
“Whether it be the casual racism of telling British students they’d turn slitty-eyed if they stayed in China too long, or simply the bad taste of telling an all-deaf youth orchestra that it was no wonder they were deaf if they lived near Cardiff, his world famous gaffes have done more to bring the cornerstone of the British state into disrepute than a bag of semtex and some six inch nails could ever do.”
“It is for this reason that we would like to present him with a Republican Lifetime Achievement Award – and invite him to get into the boot of a specially provided car so we can take him to have a look at it.”
Prince Philip, speaking to journalists outside Farmleigh House in Dublin’s Phoenix Park, dismissed the award, as well as the sentiments behind it, as ‘utter nonsense’.
“Which is about what one would expect from these scruffy potato-eaters,” he said. “Even the ones who have the decency to hide their ugly bloody faces.”
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