Arnie caught having sex with a Dyson Airblade

Arnie News: Political strongman and 80’s schlockbusting screen legend Arnold Schwarzenegger was lead shame-faced from the LA county courthouse this morning after he was caught ‘raping a Dyson Airblade’ in the toilets of a cafeteria.

Schwarzenegger, who has recently split from his wife after a string of sexual harassment allegations and his refusal to recognise the daughter of one of his domestic staff as his own, claimed the incident was proof he had ‘learnt his lesson.’

Reading from a prepared statement, his lawyer told journalists that Mr. Schwarzenegger putting his penis into that ‘gushing, high-velocity airflow’ was a ‘consequence-free act’ that was ‘hurting nobody’.

“The conveniences were empty at that time and my client, known throughout the world for bringing a human face to machines, merely sought to pleasure himself in that tight, sensual windstorm that every Airblade invites you to enter.”

“That my client misread the signs and inserted his penis instead of his hands is, I believe, an irrelevance.”

While the public prosecutor remains undecided whether to press charges, a spokesman for manufacturers Dyson said the company was ‘delighted’ that one of their products had been ‘humped by Conan’.

“The secret’s out!” beamed Oliver Trundle, one of the Airblade’s senior developers. “We’ve all known about it’s ‘extra functionality’ for some time of course – it is really the most fabulous sensation, especially I might add, for the ladies.”

“Once they sit on top of it and get wedged into position – well, let’s just say I know what I’m getting my wife for Christmas. Perhaps now Arnie knows what to get his wife too.”