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38% of American children ‘think rabbits lay eggs’

Easter Special: Jesus was of Hispanic origin. A ‘chocolate egg’ is a homosexual act we are not legally allowed to describe here. The Crucifixion is a band from Chicago – these were just some of the answers given by thousands of children across America, polled by the Catholic Church as part of a their campaign to show just how lost ‘the true meaning of Easter’ has become.

We expected a certain amount of ignorance, even stupidity,” says Father James Hitely, who commissioned the poll. “After all, America is a land of many faiths, most of which operate via the television. But I have to confess that these findings blew our minds. I had to drink two bottles of communion wine before I could look at myself in the mirror again.”

Perhaps the most shocking statistic to emerge was that more than a third of children believe that eggs come from rabbits.

There seems to be a worrying confusion between easter eggs and the easter bunny,” says Father Hitely, “but the children we polled are between 10 and 14 years old! Were aren’t talking infants here. Some of these kids have their own kids. It’s desperately idiotic.”

But not everyone sees the poll’s results in such a negative light.

I think the answers show a lot of creativitivisation,” says former President George W. Bush, in his new role as Children’s Ambassador for the Golf World Network. “And let’s face it – Jesus is a Hispanic name. Even if then you spell it with an ‘H’.”