Breaking News: Minutes ago, Minister of Defence Liam Fox gave a stuttering, panicked statement to the press attempting to allay fears for the safety of Londoners after popular TV commentator and writer Charlie Brooker was reported bursting out of his home, glowing and screaming in pain, before growing to over 450 feet in a matter of seconds and cutting a savage path of destruction across central London.
Nuclear scientist Professor Royston Biggs-Hoson explained that the broadcaster’s long-term viewing history of banal television shows had exposed him to the unprecedented and highly volatile level of gamma radiation, causing a dramatic change to his cell structure. Brooker is currently sleeping in Hyde Park, giving experts a brief respite to assess their options.
“Make no mistake, an irascible pundit of this size could endanger us all,” Mr Fox continued, “but we are doing everything we can to take control of the situation.”
“RAF fighters have been scrambled to keep a presence in the air. We are advising anyone who has appeared on or auditioned for a reality show in the last 10 years to remain in their homes. A cordon of military vehicles is being mobilised around Shoreditch, and the offices of Sky News and Channels 4 and 5 have been evacuated.”
The minister was then barraged with questions about what the government intends to do to resolve the crisis.
“We’re looking into various options and asking for help from our allies in the US and Europe,” he said. “We considered a tranquilizer dart, but there is simply not enough available to subdue him.”
“We’ve been advised that a distracting book might prove an antidote to such damaging levels of gamma exposure – though unfortunately they’re now all too small for him to read. Right now we are assembling a large PA system on a helicopter so that someone can fly by and read him The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.”
As the situation continues to change, the minister had to admit that other TV pundits are also showing alarming levels of radioactivity.
“Currently our worst-case scenario is the same fate befalling Harry Hill, who then storms into Brooker territory to claim supremacy. Who would pose the greater threat? Unfortunately there is only one way we are going to find out.”