Swipe left/right

Royal Wedding News: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times: Kate Middleton’s secret hen party went from success to distress this weekend when the Queen-to-be was spiked with acid during a rowdy session with male stripping troupe, the Chippendales.


kate middleton spike with acid during hen party

Organized by her sister, the hen group descended on Options nightclub in Newquay with regulation hen-do t-shirts and VIP passes. It wasn’t long before the night was spinning wildly out of control.

We still don’t know who spiked her,” said one of the hens who asked not to be named, “but we were all really enjoying the Chippendale’s show and hammering the sambucas, when Kate stood up, waving her hands about and saying ‘Whoa…tracers…’ Then she started talking about God and and stuff. I totally knew something was wrong.”

Cosmic meditation turned to cosmic bummer, however, as Kate disappeared under the table and started watching footage of the tsunami hit Japan on her iphone.

She was really freaking out,” says the friend, “so I changed it to her Angry Birds app and she was happy again.”

Worse was to come when, towards midnight, the leader of the Chippendales approached the table for the grand finale.

He had put his thing in a hot dog bun,” the friend explains, “and he bought it over on a plate. Kate, who by this time was seriously tripping, took one look, screamed ‘it’s going to bite me!’ then stabbed him in the willy with a fork.”

So then there was this massive fight between us girls and the male models – and the male models totally did not fight fair. They were scratching, pulling hair and trying to punch us in the boobs.”

Luckily we manage to bundle Kate out of there and into the stretched ‘party limo’ we’d hired. She thought we were playing a game of hide and seek or something. She just kept giggling – even though her face was splattered with penis blood.”

The Chippendales, Newquay Divison, refused to comment today other than to confirm the incident and their intention to sue, although their spokesman added that ‘they would settle out of court for Knighthoods.’


Breaking News: How the tube map would look if it went global


Trending Now

  1. News
    Read the Frankie Boyle column the Guardian refused to print because “they didn’t like the Rupert Murdoch jokes”
  2. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  3. Exclusive
    8 rejected posters for the government’s “GREAT Britain” campaign
  4. Pics
    So this is why you shouldn’t use a flash when photographing your sheep in the sunset
  5. Videos
    Witness a cockatoo let rip with a tsunami of f-words when its owner smashes a birdcage
« Swipe navigation »