Mubarak signs up for I’m A Celebrity

TV News: “Let’s face it,” says President Mubarak’s new TV agent Lionel Right, “dictators are f**king hot right now. My phone is like the doorbell of a f**king Bangkok whorehouse. I could get this guy a guest on ‘Two and a Half Men’. I could get him a guest on ‘Friends’ – dig those f**kers up, rebuild the set, do a special – that’s how big Muby is right now.”

“Ant and Dec literally had to suck my f**king dick to get this guy. I was like, ‘you first, then the little one, then you again’, OK? You get the picture.”

Embattled Mubarak laid out his future career plans as an international celebrity today, while it still remains unclear as to whether he will step down as President. Speaking to an unnamed CNN journalist in an interview that was neither taped or recorded, Mubarak said only that he had appointed Lionel Right as his agent and hoped to do a little acting, or perhaps the odd gig as a chat show host.

“Whatever happens,” says Right, “Mubarak is a money-making machine right now – the autobiographies, the lecture circuit – are you kidding me? ‘I’m a Celebrity’ is just beginning. Look out Piers Morgan – that’s all I’m saying.”

The show’s producers are said to be ‘overjoyed at this coup’, with the line-up for later this year rumoured to already include someone who once saw Justin Beiber, Alexander the Meerkat and Alexa Chung’s evil twin.

“Mubarak’s been there, done it, ruled it, squashed it,” assures Right.

“If you think that shoving his hand in a box of spiders is going to faze this guy – forget it. He’s got piranha fish in his bathtub. The carpet is in his office is a live bear nailed down by its ears.”