x - App Friendly

Alan Titchmarsh App ‘woefully underused’

App News: Technology experts warned today that if the Alan Titchmarsh iPhone app continues to be underused, updates may soon cease and Alan will be sad.

titchmarsh app

“We broke the news to Alan during this morning’s daily cyber-conference,” said one of the apps development team. “Alan was inconsolable.”

Since he began his career he’s dreamed of having an Alan Titchmarsh iPhone app – even before mobile phones existed, when such talk sounded like the ramblings of a madman.”

“It’s not just for gardeners!” Titchmarsh, 61, from Ilkley, pleaded in a statement released to the press this morning.

“It offers something for everyone – there’s a virtual Alan that you can dress with combination of pastel-coloured jumpers and earthy corduroy trousers. You can dig virtual holes in a digital garden and there’s a seed calendar telling you the best days to plant. It even boasts a virtual chat function, where I read off a series of bland, non-intrusive questions you can answer if you want to feel like a guest on my chat show.”

It’s understood that development on an Android version of the app has been put on indefinite hold, while a new marketing campaign aimed at boosting sales of the iPhone version will be launched in garden centres across the country.

Online gossip also hints that the app will now also come with extracts from some of Alan’s unchallenging overly-nostalgic fiction books, and a special USB attachment that fires hot milk into your mouth in the hope you’ll nod off and forget you just paid £6.99 for the fucking thing.