IKEA to sell shanty towns

Business News: IKEA, the Swedish furniture giant, is taking advantage of what it terms ’emerging markets revealed by the global economic meltdown’, opening new stores across the world’s most rapaciously expanding slums.

Calcutta, Cape Town, Rio, Lagos, Caracas and Paris will all see the appearance of slum-based IKEA branches in the next six months, specialised stores that have swapped much of their trademark flat-packed shelving for flat-packed shanty homes.

“I was flying above Orangi Township, Karachi,” says IKEA CEO Lars Hankerman, “looking down on its endless makeshift huts, when suddenly it hit me – they should be buying those from us.”

“Shanty towns are a growing market, no question about it, and just as micro-finance has managed to get once-unreachable peasant farmers nicely into debt, so we don’t see why poverty should get in the way of our business either.”

“I can see a future where all shanty towns are IKEA shanty towns – an endless sea of processed pine. You’ve got to ask yourself the question: if Sweden had a shanty town, what it would it look like? The answer is ‘better’.”

But how will people without money be able to buy an IKEA shanty home?

“That’s the real innovation,” beams Hankerman, “You come into one of our new stores and you do not have a cent to your name. No problem. Whenever we sell anything, we pride ourselves on unbeatable prices, and literally for the unbeatable price of a beating from one of our wealthier clients, we’ll give you a new shanty home, complete with our famous, easy-to-use construction instructions.” (SEE ABOVE)

“If that doesn’t suit your pocket, or your bone condition, then we’ll take your daughters, all of them if needs be – whatever it takes to make you, the consumer, happy and at home in a flat-packed future for your family.”