War on Terror News: As part of a radical new strategy to deter global terrorism, President Obama unveiled the first Terrorism Scarecrow in New York today: a 300ft high statue of special agent Jack Bauer on the site of the old Statue of Liberty.
“While Liberty is important,” said the President, “Security is equally so. If we then count the freedom to be secure, then Security surely has one more point than Liberty, so Security wins. Hence we pulled the old lady down and put Jack up in her place.”
“Picture, if you will,” the President continued, “a terrorist in an airplane, hell-bent on destruction, flying towards Manhattan. He sees special agent Jack Bauer eyeballing him like some kind of Greek God with a gun – what’s he gonna do? Safely land the aircraft, release the hostages and start crying – that’s what.”
Terrorism Scarecrows are the brainchild of psychologist Tim Bishop, Professor Emeritus of Evil and Brown Studies, M.I.T.
“Essentially, the Terrorism Scarecrow works on the same principle as any ordinary scarecrow,” says Professor Bishop, “Straw scarecrows get rid of birds. Terrorism scarecrows get rid of big metal Al-Queda birds with engines.”
Citing the increased threat from Yemen and Somalia as the impetus behind this new strategy, President Obama said this was “just the beginning.”
“Soon there will be Terrorism Scarecrows all over the country and all over the world. Our allies in London had assured me that Big Ben will soon be replaced by a menacing statue of James Bond, while over in Australia, despite their problems with floods, those guys have found the time to scrawl ‘PISS OFF, TERRORISTS’ on Ayers Rock.”