Swipe left/right

TV NEWS: After failing to win X Factor 2011, boy band One Direction were immediately fed into a woodchipper during last night’s live final, it has been revealed. Says Cowell, “I said that this wouldn’t be the last you’d hear of One Direction, and I wasn’t wrong. Thirty seconds later I heard the last of One Direction – it was Harry Styles gurgling in agony as I prodded him into the mulcher with a big stick.”

simon cowell covered in blood, shreds x-factor losers during finals

As soon as the show cut to a commercial break, the boys were led to a large woodchipper which was lowered down from the studio ceiling. Before his handsome face was splattered with a mixture of blood and broken dreams, Cowell was reportedly overheard saying “If only I’d have thought of this for Eoghan Quigg and Ray Quinn, I could have saved myself a lot of ballache.”

“They’ve had quite a journey” said Louis Walsh “It’s just a shame that this journey ended with their liquified mortal remains being collected in buckets.” The buckets were quickly moved to a secure location somewhere outside of London, with one show insider describing the contents as looking like “a mixture of raw mince, hair and Abercrombie & Fitch”.

The move to dispose of failed acts as quickly as possible has proved controversial, with ITV receiving a number of complaints when Cher Lloyd was put on a bonfire last week. A spokesman said, “We accept the carbon footprint from her disposal was unacceptably high – Dannii Minogue has been planting trees in the New Forest to make up for it.”

Breaking News: This post-surgery dog looks very "relaxed"

 

Trending Now

  1. News
    Donald Trump’s entire presidency summed up in one 20-second clip
  2. Pics
    59 Victoria Wood quotes that’ll quite frankly improve your day because she was as funny as hell
  3. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  4. Pics
    50 “short, clean jokes that get a laugh every time” to distract you from the hellish pain that is Article 50
  5. News
    The 25 funniest Brexit Day tweets. Because you’ve got to laugh, right?
« Swipe navigation »