UK NEWS: “Fairtrade coffee is doing wonderful business for us,” says newly-appointed Starbucks spokesperson Jeremy De La Boltine, “and there is nothing better for the choca-latte prosumer to know that their coffee is not only tasty, but righteous. However, after some extensive focus group work, we have identified a retrogressive coffee-guzzling demographic who prefers what we call ‘negative moral equity’ in their cup, or, in layman’s terms, slavery – either actual or indentured.”

Slavetrade coffee, launched today in coffee shops across the country including Starbucks, Cafe Nero, Coffee Republic and Costa will bear the Slavetrade Coffee Association trademark guaranteeing that the coffee is 100% processed by slaves.

“Let’s put it this way,” De La Boltine continues, “if you are not a slave and you touch our coffee during any part of the process before it hits the highstreet, you will either be shot or enslaved. When we say 100%, we really mean it. You look at a cup of our Slavetrade coffee, and not even the steam is free – that’s the Slavetrade promise.”

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