The nation lost its appetite this morning as news broke of the horrific murder, then roasting, of celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver.
â€śThe crackling looks like it may well have been delicious,â€ť said Detective Inspector Tom Kilty. â€śWe suspect the murderer marinated Jamie overnight in lemon, garlic and rosemary, before stuffing him with dried fruit and roasting him on a spit with an average temperature of 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 6-7 hours. We can also confirm he was well basted.â€ť
Mr. Oliver had been heading home last night to his wife and family but never arrived. The grizzly meal was found in a field near the Sussex village of Groombridge, now cordoned off by forensic officers.
â€śWe think he may have been prepared according to one of his own recipes,â€ť said D.I. Kilty, â€śand we would urge any member of the public who has any information to come forward.â€ť
Refusing to comment on whether the disappearances today of both Nigella Lawson and Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall were connected, Kilty assured reporters that Scotland Yard was treating the situation with the â€śutmost seriousness.â€ť
â€śEveryone should remain calm,â€ť he said, â€śthe last thing anyone wants at this stage of the investigation is for emotions to boil over and make a mess on the hob of truth.â€ť