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The nation lost its appetite this morning as news broke of the horrific murder, then roasting, of celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver.

“The crackling looks like it may well have been delicious,” said Detective Inspector Tom Kilty. “We suspect the murderer marinated Jamie overnight in lemon, garlic and rosemary, before stuffing him with dried fruit and roasting him on a spit with an average temperature of 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 6-7 hours. We can also confirm he was well basted.”

Mr. Oliver had been heading home last night to his wife and family but never arrived. The grizzly meal was found in a field near the Sussex village of Groombridge, now cordoned off by forensic officers.

We think he may have been prepared according to one of his own recipes,” said D.I. Kilty, “and we would urge any member of the public who has any information to come forward.”

Refusing to comment on whether the disappearances today of both Nigella Lawson and Hugh Fearnly-Whittingstall were connected, Kilty assured reporters that Scotland Yard was treating the situation with the “utmost seriousness.”

Everyone should remain calm,” he said, “the last thing anyone wants at this stage of the investigation is for emotions to boil over and make a mess on the hob of truth.”


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