Last night 18.2 billion people, including 11.2 Brits, were crushed to death in Paradise.

Today, investigators are blaming a “lax door policy” that continued despite warnings by Health and Safety inspectors that Heaven was, “dangerously overcrowded” and “an accident waiting to happen.”

When pressed for details of the event, God remained characteristically tight-lipped and prayers from anxious relatives to the Disaster Helpline are being answered with a recorded message: “Your devotion is important to us… you are currently being held in an eternal queue.” Heaven has since announced, in some clouds, that it has “No Vacancies.”

One survivor possessed a child to relay this message of comfort: “Significant long term investment into improving the quality of death in Heaven means that none of the 18.2 billion casualties complained about the way they died. But take it from me; they would have preferred to be hung. Oh man, the hanging up here is a real treat.”

Beyond the Pearly Gates, which are now sealed with pearly padlocks and guarded by vicious pearly attack dogs, Heaven has called a State of Emergency in response to mass-looting after a scuffle between surviving religious factions spiralled into paradise-wide anarchy.

Now, as millions flee the chaos to refugee camps hastily set up across the border in Hell, aid agencies involved in the relief effort have publicly criticised the Devil for, “unacceptable amounts of fire everywhere” and “constant gratuitous torture.” The damning report went on to describe conditions in the makeshift camps as, “inadequate.”

Back on earth, religious leaders are providing much needed spiritual solace by reminding everyone: “It was God’s will.” The Government, keen to take swift action to ensure a tragedy on this scale never happens again, have announced a public enquiry into God’s will and sacked four social workers in Lambeth.

 

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