Labour leaders in ‘Mortal Kombat’

The latest addition to the Mortal Kombat franchise has meant midnight queues at stores as Labour party members scramble to be among the first to get their hands on the game.

Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition is a state-of-the-art recreation of the contest as an ultra-violent death-match.

Candidates must battle for their lives in single combat under the watchful gaze of evil sorcerer Shang Tsung.

In successive levels it’s possible to play as bonus characters like Gordon Brown, John Prescott, and Tony Blair.

 

And there is fan speculation that, on a secret level, opponents can team up to fight against Ninja Neil Kinnock and the Kung Fu zombie corpse of Michael Foot.

 “It’s eerily close to reality,” says professional gamer Vince Gauci, who got hold of a beta copy in advance of release: “I can just imagine David Miliband and his brother Ed at their Nan’s house and one of them doing a 720 degree reverse flip over the biscuit tray before driving a death-punch right through his brother’s face so that his fist crunches out of the back of the skull all covered in blood and brains. This is the real nitty-gritty of party politics.”

 

Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition promises to choose the next party leader, and see the souls of fallen adversaries instantly morph into the form of fully-supportive members of his or her new leadership team.

 

David Miliband

Age: 44 Constituency: South Shields

Tournament Name: The Mighty Gawk

Catchphrase: “Labour must rebuild itself as a champion of social change… and the obliterator of enemies.”

Special move: high punch followed by deadly roundhouse kick to opponent’s legs

 

Ed Miliband

Age: 40

Constituency: Doncaster North

Tournament Name: Heat-Geeking Missile

Catchphrase: “Brotherly love will survive. But Big Brother shall die.”

Special move: crouch-block then double backhand strike to David Miliband’s kidneys

 

Ed Balls

Age: 43 Constituency: Morley and Outwood

Tournament Name: Mister Blink

Catchphrase: “Is Labour in touch with the public? Will I eviscerate all-comers in the chamber of death? Yes and yes.”

Special move: frenzied attack of opponent’s balls

 

Andy Burnham

Age: 40 Constituency: Leigh

Tournament Name: Pillage’n’Burnham

Catchphrase: “I was a Blairite for Brown. I will kill you for pleasure.”

Special move: heavy elbow / uppercut combo

 

Diane Abbott

Age: 56 Constituency: Hackney North and Stoke Newington

Tournament Name: The Abbottonator

Catchphrase: “I’m here to remind you that we can’t all be white men… Die, bitches…” Special move: knee-strike to groin followed by Hackney mother-smother floor-hold

 

Bonus characters

 

16,000 points: John Prescott

The former Deputy PM is a slow, wheezy mover yet he packs a nasty punch when riled.

Special moves: kebab regurgitation, protestor death-punch

 

32,000 points: Gordon Brown

The former PM flies like a stolid butterfly, stings like a winter’s morn in Kirkcaldy.

Special moves: freeze-breath, budget drop-smash, Scots Berzerker-mode

 

50,000 points: Tony Blair

Tony Blair is the veritable Bruce Lee of the game: unflappable, unstoppable, unshameable.

Special moves: hypno-grin, peace-envoy fireball, glib-deniability roundhouse, seventy years of secrecy head-butt

 

Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition is out now for PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 (unavailable on Wii or DS because Nintendo is for pussies)