Ever since 1914, when S.P Bernard of Dunstable Rangers paid a lady 1/6d to look at her ankles while she held his bowler hat, football has had its share of lady-scandals.

In light of recent allegations, England manager Fabio Capello has recruited the services of a group of statisticians and psychologists to advise players on what to do in that most stressful of situations – should you pay a woman £1,200 pounds so you can put your willy inside her? Then take it out, then put it back in? Then take it out? Then put it back in? Then make that face? Then cry?

The statisticians have analysed divorce rates, newspaper coverage and match results across the board to help shape their findings – whilst the psychologists asked their mate Tony from the B.P garage what he thinks. “This decisionator will be as important to footballers as google maps is to people without chauffeurs,” Capello told reporters this morning.

The findings on this delicate topic have been offered to the players in the form of a simple flow chart for quick reference, are fully laminated, and will be distributed to all premiership players from this afternoon.

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