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Immigration Service cutbacks: asylum seekers ‘to be put in asylums’

‘Technically, it’s what they asked for,’ says a leaked Whitehall memo seen by The Poke which discusses a radical new approach to cutting UK Border Agency costs.

‘Anyone mad enough to want to come to Britain at the moment evidently needs institutional psychiatric care’, the memo continues, outlining an unprecedented acceleration of the admissions process whereby detention centre officials would announce “asylum status granted!” by megaphone, before ushering everyone on to a bus heading to the nearest mental institution.

Once there, asylum seekers would be cared for by current patients ‘thereby relieving the state of having to employ thousands of doctors, nurses and other staff. No one can say that the patients don’t know the ropes. It will save the taxpayer millions.’

The leaked memo has provoked widespread condemnation. While refusing to either admit or deny its authenticity, Damian Green, Minister of State for Immigration said today, “We are looking at all the possibilities. Everyone must be prepared to absorb their share of the current cuts – whether they be a government minister, a refugee, or someone who thinks they are Napoleon’s giraffe.”