Biologists, evolutionists, ethno-genealogists and fans of the movie ‘Splash’ are in shock today as the ‘most surprising and tragic discovery of the 21st century’ has washed up on the shores of Louisiana: a real-life mermaid.

This heart-breaking photo, capturing her last moments, was taken by a group of fishermen walking along the beach on Elmer’s Island, near Grand Isle, La, in the early hours of this morning.

“I didn’t know what it was at first,” said Russell Garret, who took the picture, “we were all just walking along taking pictures of the oil. Jim Hapland says ‘what in the heck is that?’ and I just started snapping. By the time we realised, it was already too late. She died in our arms.”

The mermaid, until now thought only to exist in legend, had drowned in oil from BP’s Deep Water Horizon well.

“We just started weeping,” said Captain James Hapland, “we all knew what we were looking at, what an amazing discovery it was, yet at the same time, we all knew what the world had lost. She can’t talk no more. She’s dead. She can’t show us her anthro-marine world. BP killed her.”

As scientists rush to the scene, local people are holding spontaneous candle-lit vigils up and down the coast. “We just hope her kinfolk forgive us,” said Father Bill Pasel, Pensacola, Florida, “and may the Lord protect them.”

Not everyone has found it upsetting; the Scottish Tourist Board has reported a 7000% increase in bookings to visit Loch Ness. For most, however, there is only anger and distress.

Captain Hapland sums up local feeling: “Now that son of a bitch Hayward is going a get a big pay-off and whatnot – well, he’s going to slide right off the hook, ain’t he? While round here we’d like to put him back on the hook, right through his cheek, then lower him into a shark pool. Let’s see how he likes leaking – from his goddamn face! They killed a mermaid! How can anyone make amends for a thing like that?”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody

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11 Responses

  • dennise

    this is a hoax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    August 25, 2010 at 9:57 am
  • Jess

    No, Dennise..its just been well covered up.

    August 27, 2010 at 9:54 am
  • egc

    is this really a real mermaid because you should have put more pictures that look more clear!!!

    February 2, 2011 at 5:45 pm
  • patrice

    i really like marmaids aqn i really tink if it was real u should took out more an closer

    February 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm
  • jess

    how did he killed her?

    March 25, 2011 at 5:10 pm
  • renee bell

    my beleifs r open im not going to say its true or not true but scientest and other people discover new and meraculous things every day but they just dont always tell us i do beleive the government is hiding things from the world for wat reason idk

    April 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm
  • nukee

    Bro thats so photoshoped and is a hoax

    June 14, 2011 at 9:49 pm
  • Meghan

    Well, as much as I hate to say this, I believe this is a hoax. However, my options are as open as the book i am reading, because, after all, we are here (humans), so why can’t they? Humans once believed dinosaurs didn’t exist… they were real. Humans once believed that the sawfish was just a myth to scare people out of deadly waters… they were wrong. Who is to say that these creatures aren’t allowed to be determined real? What has this world come to; anything that cannot be seen isn’t real? It is a sad thought to think that society hasn’t had any open thoughts about this. Science can prove what is false, but NEVER will we know what is true. The government has been hiding the truth from us, giving us hoaxes and pretending to not be afraid. The truth: THEY are scared. A discovery such as this is not anything within their boundaries, and they are SCARED for themselves of what could happen if this secret were to be let out. Who is to say they haven’t disected aliens? Or captured bigfoot? Or kept a mermaid as their personal entertainment? The government is not stupid. They wouldn’t ALLOW a REAL photo of such “mythological” creatures into the public. Does that not mean they are real? Believe what you may, I feel that, although this may not be the true photo, what the fisherman say is the truth… give or take a little.

    May 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm
  • Jack

    I can’t believe what I’m reading in some of these comments… Do you lot even know what website you’re on?? Have you bothered to look elsewhere on the site? This WHOLE WEBSITE is satire, stupid fuckers… Oh and for those of you who don’t know what satire means, I suggest you look it up (I imagine most of you fall under that category, judging by your barely literate ramblings. EDUCATE YOURSELVES).

    January 18, 2013 at 12:57 pm
  • Andy

    After reading the comments on this article, my faith in humanity has decreased. This piece, along with every other article on this website, is fiction, meaning it’s supposed to be taken tongue in cheek.

    You’re all crazy, apart from that Jack guy. He knows what he’s talking about.

    January 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm
  • betty

    ok, I know that the pic is a hoax and all…but the reality is that she appears to have breasts which, unless she was a sea mammal, she would not need and therefore, wouldn’t have. Ok, grammar nazis…do your worst! ha ha ha ha ha!

    August 9, 2014 at 1:23 am