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Biologists, evolutionists, ethno-genealogists and fans of the movie ‘Splash’ are in shock today as the ‘most surprising and tragic discovery of the 21st century’ has washed up on the shores of Louisiana: a real-life mermaid.

This heart-breaking photo, capturing her last moments, was taken by a group of fishermen walking along the beach on Elmer’s Island, near Grand Isle, La, in the early hours of this morning.

“I didn’t know what it was at first,” said Russell Garret, who took the picture, “we were all just walking along taking pictures of the oil. Jim Hapland says ‘what in the heck is that?’ and I just started snapping. By the time we realised, it was already too late. She died in our arms.”

The mermaid, until now thought only to exist in legend, had drowned in oil from BP’s Deep Water Horizon well.

“We just started weeping,” said Captain James Hapland, “we all knew what we were looking at, what an amazing discovery it was, yet at the same time, we all knew what the world had lost. She can’t talk no more. She’s dead. She can’t show us her anthro-marine world. BP killed her.”

As scientists rush to the scene, local people are holding spontaneous candle-lit vigils up and down the coast. “We just hope her kinfolk forgive us,” said Father Bill Pasel, Pensacola, Florida, “and may the Lord protect them.”

Not everyone has found it upsetting; the Scottish Tourist Board has reported a 7000% increase in bookings to visit Loch Ness. For most, however, there is only anger and distress.

Captain Hapland sums up local feeling: “Now that son of a bitch Hayward is going a get a big pay-off and whatnot – well, he’s going to slide right off the hook, ain’t he? While round here we’d like to put him back on the hook, right through his cheek, then lower him into a shark pool. Let’s see how he likes leaking – from his goddamn face! They killed a mermaid! How can anyone make amends for a thing like that?”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody


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