The Old Bailey was shocked to silence today by harrowing eye-witness accounts of a gay couple performing an ‘unnatural act’ in a public toilet.

“They were just up there on the ceiling, just standing around upside down without an ounce of respect for gravity,” wept the arresting officer, “then things got really hairy when I noticed that their electrons did not bear the full legally required charge of -1.602 x 10-19 Coulombs. Although the CPS is not pursuing the lesser charge and the toilet walls have since been shaved.”

Fears that the complexities of the case might go over the heads of the lay jury were unfounded: both men were found guilty of breaking Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation.

Prior to sentencing, Judge Smith took two previous offences into account. One of the men had been cautioned for Gross Indecency after conjuring a door out of thin air but failing to hold it open for an elderly pregnant woman. The other was reprimanded by British Transport Police for leaving his feet on the seat of a bus. He collected them from lost property two days later.

Bringing the proceedings to a close, the visibly confused Judge stated, “Despite the defendants’ record of continually flouting what is humanly possible, I look now at the infinite fractal-like iterations of a sincerely remorseful expression cascading endlessly into where their faces should be – and I believe that they can and will change, given time. For this reason I’m giving them 3 years, no parole.”

New signs prohibiting men being upside down are now being erected outside public toilets across the country.

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2 Responses

  • Peter Demain

    In what may or may not be a departure from the satirical theme of our webbishsiteish outfit we did an article which covered the very same theme that you see so fit to conduct a parody upony you heinous antagonist you…

    Our serious and in-depth piece covered the trials and tribulations the gay community went through during the 1950s/60s prior to the ostensible legalization of homosexuality in Britain. Our staff member Sue Gleeter actually spent a lot of time getting anecdotal information to enhance the piece which was lengthy but came out okay in the investigative sense.

    A sentence of ’3 years no-parole’ is unheard of for cruising within public toilets in 2010 except in very rare/backward Judge ruling circumstances.

    Not to pry but why on Earth are you quoting a Judge straight out of a 1970s police drama of a similar flavour to The Sweeney? :D

    -Pete @

    July 28, 2010 at 3:53 am
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