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The Old Bailey was shocked to silence today by harrowing eye-witness accounts of a gay couple performing an ‘unnatural act’ in a public toilet.

“They were just up there on the ceiling, just standing around upside down without an ounce of respect for gravity,” wept the arresting officer, “then things got really hairy when I noticed that their electrons did not bear the full legally required charge of -1.602 x 10-19 Coulombs. Although the CPS is not pursuing the lesser charge and the toilet walls have since been shaved.”

Fears that the complexities of the case might go over the heads of the lay jury were unfounded: both men were found guilty of breaking Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation.

Prior to sentencing, Judge Smith took two previous offences into account. One of the men had been cautioned for Gross Indecency after conjuring a door out of thin air but failing to hold it open for an elderly pregnant woman. The other was reprimanded by British Transport Police for leaving his feet on the seat of a bus. He collected them from lost property two days later.

Bringing the proceedings to a close, the visibly confused Judge stated, “Despite the defendants’ record of continually flouting what is humanly possible, I look now at the infinite fractal-like iterations of a sincerely remorseful expression cascading endlessly into where their faces should be – and I believe that they can and will change, given time. For this reason I’m giving them 3 years, no parole.”

New signs prohibiting men being upside down are now being erected outside public toilets across the country.

 

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