How to lose Facebook friends and alienate people

Facebook is a revolution in social networking – with an estimated 500 million users worldwide it’s an invaluable tool for allowing friends, families and even total strangers to connect with each other and share what’s important to them. Sounds appalling doesn’t it? And since Facebook makes it so hard to delete your account, you’re probably after some tips on how to drive people away from your Facebook profile so you can start talking to people you actually like again. So here are The Poke’s top 5 tips on how to check out of Hotel Facebook.

1. It’s not about quality – it’s all about quantity. Make sure you post as many updates as possible about anything that has happened – or any, tiny insignificant thought you have. If possible mIx uP tHe cAPs iN tHe sEnTenCe aNd uSe sMiLeY fAcEs ^-^ 

2. App attack! It can be quite easy for people to block the constant updates generated by things like Farmville and Mafia Wars, so you need to use as many different game apps as possible, to make sure your friends news feeds are completely blocked with requests for help in growing corn, robbing banks, or collecting the tits of the undead in Zombie Breast Trophy Cabinet Lite. 

3. Be sure to say hello. Forget email, or Facebook’s own messaging a chat services, make sure you stay in touch with every one of your FB pals by publicly posting “HELLO????????????????????” on their wall at least ten times a day just to make sure they feel loved.

4. Share everything. It’s not just about posting constant, relentless mundanity – the more personal the information you share the better. Something wrong with your bottom? Brilliant! Remember, Facebook mobile conveniently let’s you upload pictures of your chafing injuries direct from your phone. And over-sharing shouldn’t just be about you – make sure you share personal information about other people all over Facebook, especially if you were told it in confidence.

5. When people upload pictures of themselves, or change their profile images, try leaving the comment “YOUR SKIN IS LOVELY. I WANT TO MAKE UNDERWEAR OUT OF IT.” Also be sure to flag every picture and item as ‘abusive’ – and if you’ve got the new anti-paedophile panic button app installed, even better. There is no more perfect way to lose Facebook friends than by triggering an in-depth investigation by the Met Police’s Child Abuse Investigation Command every time they post.