Dappy from N-dubz to write new national anthem for North Korea

“We’ll shoot, we’ll score, we’ll start a Nuclear War – North Korea! North Korea!” This now celebrated chant has faded from the terraces of the South African World Cup, but North Korea’s unexpected success in reaching the final stages of the competition seems to have given Kim Jong-il a taste for the glitz and glamour of modern culture. Reports from inside the secretive country confirm that having rejected several possible television projects as a ‘gift to the people’ including ‘North Korea’s Got Talent’ and ‘CSI: Pyongyang’, the government has instead decided to modernise their national anthem, the Aegukka.

“Who else but Dappy. From N-dubz,” said Lee Yong-rim, Assistant to the Minister Of Cultural Advancement For The Glory Of The Great Leader Who Is The Sunlight That Wakes The People. “Martin Lawrenson don’t sing and Katy Perry is rotting with moral corruption. So we go with Dappy. From N-dubz.”

The controversial star is said to be delighted with the commission, hoping that the project could help him move forward after being kicked out of Alton Towers and then being caught sniffing the psychedelic cat tranquilliser ‘Meow Meow’. “This could really catapult Dappy over the UK wall, into the international searchlights,” said a record company spokesperson. “Dappy has always had a proto-Stalinist flava to his beats, and if this goes well, who knows where it could lead? Turkmenistan? Burma?”

Story: Jasper Gibson